


Wade Has Chest Pains

by ravioliscravat



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Blood and Gore, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool being Deadpool, ENDGAME DOESNT EXIST, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Secret Identity, Self-Hatred, Spideypool - Freeform, Steve and wade are best friends cause I said so, Swearing, Typical Deadpool Violence, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24489805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravioliscravat/pseuds/ravioliscravat
Summary: Deadpool might not be as invincible as everyone thinks if Spiderman and his endearing mannerisms have anything to say about it.-Obligatory spideypool hanahaki fic because its quarantine and im getting desperate
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov, Happy Hogan/May Parker (Spider-Man), Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

His day had been going great right up until the moment during a fight against some two-bit gangster mob that Spidey attempted to kill him.

“Can we wrap things up here please, Mr Corleone? There’s a delicious meal and a wonderful woman waiting for me at home and I'm not about to stand her up for the second time this week because someone couldn't pay his goons on time. It’s rude not to keep your finances in check!”

Then with several graceful flips, turns, and a few well-aimed webs the men were all incapacitated, either knocked out or in positions that couldn't possibly be comfortable on walls and the sidewalk.

"Baby boys got moves!"

{and an amazing ass. seriously look at that thing}

"Could bounce a nickel off that."

[try it and he'll probably snap your neck]

"Nah our sweet boy has _morals_. Besides, it'd be worth it."

{shh he's looking at us!}

Wade slowly raised his eyes from Spider-mans butt and met the other man's gaze. Even through the mask, Wade could feel the disappointment his staring had brought to Spidey's face. For a few seconds he stumbled over his words trying to say something that would stop him from getting scolded by his crush but then he heard soft laughter and he froze.

"Take a picture next time Deadpool, it'll last longer." then he was swinging away and Wade felt something in his chest tighten.

-

Wade's throat was on fire. A mess of blood and flower petals was gathering behind the dumpster in the alley he’d landed in and enough time had passed that his shattered femur had already glued itself back together. Feeling a pause in the inevitable onslaught of flowers attacking him from the inside he wiped his mouth and pulled his mask back over his mouth.

“Stupid, stupid bug boy. Why’s he gotta do us dirty like this?”

{you WISH he would do you dirty!}

[yellow’s got a point. And the proof is all over that lovely paisley armchair.]

Wade eyes the armchair and thinks of how it would've fit rather nicely in his clusterfuck of a living room, full of a ridiculous amount of grandma-chic furniture. Too bad it was bloodstained now- who is he kidding, most of his furniture is stained in some kind of disgusting bodily fluid. He made a mental note to come back for it tomorrow. Free stuff! Even with the copious amount of money, he had from merc work (haha! Merc work, that's funny!), the appeal of free stuff wasn’t lost on the man.

Onto the more pressing matter of how Spider-man had appeared to have planted the seeds of a fictional disease in his lungs. What absolute bullshit. Wade had known for weeks now that what he felt for the bug-themed superhero was more than just a momentary infatuation. It just hadn't fully sunk into his mind yet that the possibility of his feelings being reciprocated was so slim. Now he had the proof in front of him and it hurt more than any torture he'd been subject to in the past.

"This sucks huge dick and balls."

{you gotta admit though, you totally had this coming.}

[karma's a bitch]

He stood still for a few moments more before heading out of the alley and hailing a cab back to his apartment. It was always bad news when yellow and white agreed, and he agreed with them as a result.

He put a bullet in his brain when he got home.


	2. Chapter 2

He forgot the damn eggs. Again. Peter let out a sigh as he pushed open his bedroom window and fell to the floor face first.

"Peter? Is that you?"

"Mphghhm"

"Patrol was that good huh?" 

Peter groaned as he rolled onto his back and stared at the accurate glow-in-the-dark star system on his ceiling. His muscles were aching sure, but that wasn't the reason he was currently imitating a dying goose. He had flirted with Deadpool. He had actually flirted back with the merc with the mouth who had a penchant for making Peter all kinds of uncomfortable when they teamed up. Flirted with the only hero (if Deadpool even qualified as such) that Mr Stark had told him to be careful around. 

And Mr Stark had never told him to "Watch out for the mouth on this one Petey, and his hands too. He tends to be a bit . . . overly affectionate. Just, keep your guard up around him, kiddo." with any other superhero he'd worked with in the past. 

His door opened and May gave a soft snort at her nephew who contemplated the luminescent plastic with an amusing amount of intensity. 

“Are Alpha and Proxima fighting again?”

Peter’s eyebrows furrowed as he observed the two little plastic spots right beside each other. “They have some issues to work out. Alpha’s been harassing Barnard again and Proxima got super jealous.”

May leaned against the doorframe and, flinging the kitchen towel over her shoulder, crossed her arms. 

“Hopefully they can work it out then. We can’t have our favourite star-ship breaking up and potentially exploding.”

Peter sat up, pressing back against his hands and stood up. May uncrossed her arms and reached for him, pulling him towards her and he thunked his head against her shoulder. He mumbled something incoherent then took a deep breath and looked May very seriously in the eye.

“Aunt May, I’m very sorry to tell you this. But I forgot the eggs.”

“Again?”

“Yes.” Then the boy, dramatic as ever, bowed his head and held up his arms. “I accept any and all punishment for this grievous crime against Aunts and shall rectify this mistake at the courts earliest convenience.”

May let out a loud laugh and hugged her nephew tightly. “Well I can assure you that the court has forgiven you young man. Now get dressed and come and eat dinner before this delicious takeout gets cold and I have to reheat it a third time.”

-

“And how is my favourite lab partner in the whole wide world?” 

Tony let out an indignant noise from around the wrench held between his teeth and gestured at himself. Bruce stared back and deadpanned. “I said what I said, Tony. Get over it.”

“You replaced me Parker!” Peter's hands flew up in surrender as Tony aimed the wrench at him from across the room. A silence filled the lab before Peter mumbled “Guess Mr Bruce wanted a new upgrade.” Then the three geniuses were laughing at the joke and Bruce added, “Who said you were ever my favourite, Tony?”

“Well who else would be?!”

“Dum-E. Obviously. Yeah you.” The robot turned from where it had been sweeping a clean space of floor right beside a pile of metal shavings, and let out a few happy surprised beeps and whirs. “You missed a spot bud.” 

The robot turned back to where it had been cleaning and moved the dustpan over to where the mess was and turned back to Bruce for approval. 

“There you go. Good boy.” Dum-E whirred happily and went back to the task at hand. 

“So what are we working on today- Mr Stark can you please stop aiming that at my face you’re making me nervous. Anyway, what are we working on?” 

Bruce’s eyes lit up as he launched into an explanation of a new piece of tech he was developing for Natasha to use in the field that would allow her to remotely activate tranquillisers that she’d already got into the targets system. This was his favourite thing to talk about and everyone knew it. Natasha, new tech. Natasha and new tech. The man was smitten and he was the only one oblivious to the fact. 

It was awkward and adorable and Peter loved to talk about ways to set the two up with Tony, which they never went through with because the wrath of a pissed off Black Widow wasn’t something you went searching for. 

“...her staring them in the eye then saying some badass line and triggering the tranq and the last thing they see is her amazing eyes before they pass out. What a way to go.” Feeling eyes on him, Bruce turned and saw the two brunettes giving him matching fond smirks and he wondered (not for the first time) if they were somehow related. 

“What I meant was!” he stammered. “Imagine the last thing you see before you get knocked out being Tasha’s stone cold look of satisfaction and having to know that you were the one who underestimated her. The embarrassment would kill you!” 

Their faces didn't change one bit.

“I hate both of you.”

“But I thought I was your favourite!” Peter plopped himself down on the stool beside Bruce and barged into his personal space, batting his eyelashes at him. 

“Nope. Change my mind. It’s Dum-E.”

“WHIRR BEEP WOO BEEP!!” 

“What do you mean you wish he was your dad?! I gave birth to you, you glorified mechanical fork!”

Once Tony settled down they set to working on the schematics of the tech for Natasha and discussing their favourite Black Widow move.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend of Wades stops by for a visit.

Erratic thumping noises that he couldn’t pinpoint the origin of startled Wade into consciousness. Peeling the mask off his face, he poked a finger through the hole now in the back of it. Sewing. Definite downside to suicide. The thumping was getting louder. 

{If we pretend it's not there it'll stop. Right?}

[Has that ever in the history of our fucked up life, worked?]

{27600th time’s the charm!}

“WILSON! I know you're home!” huh. Weird. That sounded almost like-

“It’s Steve Rogers!” Captain Tight Ass was what he was going to say before his train of thought was so rudely interrupted. Because the man was in a perpetual state of seriousness that only added to his uptight reputation. Also that ass. Super tight. 

“C'mon in Captain Crunch. Doors open. Locks broken.”

“You should get that fixed Wilson, someone could break in.” Steve said with an air of authority that always followed him. He stepped over Wade who was still in the same place he had “fallen asleep” in last night. Right. Spidey. Flowers. Bullshit fanfiction disease. Another fanfiction?! Fucking hell how many was he in now? Had to be over 500 at least. 

{People like you! What the fuck are you whining for?}

“Just thought they’d give me a break for once.”

“Who would give you a break?” The captain’s eyebrows were furrowed as he tried to decipher whatever Wade was referring to. 

“Nothing to worry your pretty blonde head over Cap’n. Gimme a hand would ya? And follow up, why’re you here so early?”

Steve pulled Wade to his feet and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder that would’ve broken a lesser man's bones. Lucky for Wade he was less than the lesser man and felt the fracture heal instantly. He walked towards the kitchen and turned the kettle on, taking two mugs out of the cupboard and Earl Grey tea. Steve truly was a grandpa and by now Wade knew how to make his tea to perfection. Two sugars, a dollop of full fat cream. Never let it be said that the super soldier wasn’t a picture of perfect health, the only thing he let slide was his tea. 

“You didn’t show up to group last night. And it’s 4pm. Thank you.” He took the mug and cradled it as he waited for it to cool. 

“Group! Right right right how could I possibly forget to make it to the monthly superhero support circle-jerk where we talk about our ‘feewings’. You know I only went to the first one right? Thought there might be free biscuits but you only had those ones taste like old people’s sofa moths.”

“You leave my oatmeal cookies alone Deadpool! I’ll have you know, I home make those for every meeting with my mother's original recipe.” 

“Pretty sure you just proved my point even more, Mr Rogers. So, is it a beautiful day in the neighbourhood?” 

Eyes widening with a happy glint, Steve exclaimed, “I understood that reference!”

Okay that one had been easy. But over the time Wade had grown to know Steve the more he searched for small ways to make him happy. To the public he was the picture of perfect mental sanity, always happy and proud to fight for what is right, but sometimes people forgot where he came from. 

Growing up in one of the most devastating wars in history, losing his mother before he was 18 and never having a father to begin with, Steve already had a tough life to begin. Add onto that a German science experiment and degradation from who was meant to be his commanding officer, losing soldiers, losing the first love of his life then the second, finding the first and losing him again. Purposely putting himself into the ice for 75 years because the guilt and grief was consuming him. Waking up in, what was to him an alien world and then having to fight actual aliens. 

Steve deserved a break too. 

“‘M proud of you Stevie. Glad you’re catching up on the classics. Anyway, never went to group more than once so what’s got your knickers in a knot?”

A perfect eyebrow rose above a sky blue eye.

“Wade. Super hearing is included in the perks of the super soldier serum. You know I’ve been able to hear you climbing the fire escape to the skylight every meeting, right?”

Confession time. 

Wade totally went to every superhero support group meeting. Sure the whole idea made him wanna project some serious toxic masculinity but dammit, Steve knew how to make people feel like they weren’t alone. He would make them look at their situations, assess the pros and cons - one of which outweighed the other by a landslide, here’s a hint. It’s the cons. - and then discuss ways they could change those cons into pros. Okay it sounded like absolute bullshit when Wade tried to explain it, but when it’s Steve Rogers, you feel compelled to try your best to live by his advice. 

One thing Wade was terrified of, disappointing Captain America. 

It wasn’t even all new heroes or recently turned villains. Occasionally you’d have a veteran hero who’d been at the game for years but had a major loss in the field or even just negative press coverage. Words do hurt. 

Johnny Storm has been to a few meetings after he’d accidentally made a bad situation worse and needed the help of a giant capsicum or something. Wade wasn’t really paying attention. He was more fascinated at the fact that those two had met and the world hadn’t spontaneously combusted. 

How many Chrises did it take to start armageddon?

“Hmm the truth is out I suppose. Are you gonna tell Normie that the Devastating Deadpool knows he sleeps with a nightlight? Oo! Or that Doc Connors has pet lizards named after his favourite superheroes? No…Cap you wouldn’t. Are you going to tell Neena I know she has a gambling addiction?! She’d kill me! Again! Jesus, so many times that woman has murdered me. Did I deserve it? Yes. But so many times!”

Steve remained silent throughout Deadpool’s recount of previous meetings, albeit not the important parts, before saying calmly, “Wow. You really have been to every meeting. I should listen to my hunches more often.” Then taking a long sip of tea. A few moments of silence passed. 

“What the human torch flaming HECK do you mean ‘hunch’, old man? Did you just TRICK me?! Into admitting I’ve been SNEAKING into THERAPY?! That’s low Steven. Especially for you! You’re a man of God! You just disobeyed the bible! Lying is a mortal sin Rogers! I am actually kinda impressed though. Didn’t think you had it in ya to do something so blasphemous. Actually I take it all back, I’m just proud. Proud and getting increasingly worried at that look on your face. What even is that? Cunning? Murderous intent? Never thought you would be one to punch my lights out, tinker tailor soldier spy.”

Steve finished his tea. Washed his cup, by hand, dried it, and put it back in the cupboard. His silence and expression were unnerving Wade. Did he just turn Captain America into a villain? What just happened? Patiently he waited for an answer and finally one came in the form of Steve smiling whilst leaning against the sink, arms crossed and a sinister glint in his pretty blue eyes. 

“How’d you like to be the special superhero guest next meeting?”

“Ah fuck me.”


End file.
